Friday, December 06, 2013

Marriage Exposes Your Unfinished Business

"Narcissistic, controlling, unbearably unfaithful."

That's how Mina described her husband when I asked about him during a counseling session. When I asked how she could help herself and their marriage to heal, her fears took over and she told me that she'd just be silent and let him be. She planned to simply ignore treating the wound in their marriage because she can't confront her husband. As I watched her walk away, I had serious doubts that she'd be fine.

Marriage exposes your internal "unfinished business."  You take into your marriage your unprocessed issues or pains, usually extended unconsciously to your spouse. These include patterns, thoughts, and feelings about self, others, marriage, money, sex, intimacy, abandonment, etc. you carry all along and place at the feet of your spouse. Indeed, in such state, some forces can be outside your control or sense of adequacy.

A marital crisis is often an outbreak of unresolved and unfinished business from the past. Individually and relationally. This is proven over and over again by literally logging countless hours listening to the pain and heartbreak of couples and individuals in my counseling sessions. Yet it's amazing to witness how some can move beyond despair, neediness, and desperation when both choose to heal this "unfinished business" -- creating a new life and a new relationship.

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