Saturday, March 28, 2015

Are You Being Hoodwinked By Medicine?

Medicine in the form of pharmaceutical drugs plays a significant role in countless lives, such as among the elderly or seriously ill. But the truth is, it can be just as much a curse (causing disability or death) as a blessing (especially in severe cases and diagnostic purposes). We live in a world of "pharmageddon!" And statistics say that prescription drugs are killing far more people today than illegal drugs.


In treating mental health patients, I've witnessed a number of them drugged by psychiatrists, which produced more ill health than health. A case in point was a friend of mine who chose to agree to every drug her doctor gives her for her depression and anxiety. She never recovered from decades of brain medication. She actually got worse than before she took the drugs, getting in and out of a psychiatric or psychological facility, and finding new diseases inside her body.

If you're not careful, "problems" can do appear that were not problems at all after indiscriminate approval of every drug, test, diagnostics, or procedure by your doctor or in the hospital. I'm reminded of this actress who died just recently. Her slippery slope began, where each drug and test given to her led to another. Sooner, one of these chemical interventions inside her body may had proven fatal, possibly by way of drug interaction, infection, or surgical complication. How dehumanizing, this "over-medicalizing!"

I've been thinking, how come, hundreds or thousands of years ago, people lived for so long and died even without much medical attention at all. In some, even when their life span had been shorter, they lived meaningful and fruitful lives. Certainly, they had something else to account for their health apart from reliance on medicine or medical professionals.

Friday, March 27, 2015

What It Takes To Survive Infidelity

One of my greatest accomplishments in my practice as a psychotherapist is seeing individuals and/or couples survive marital infidelity. Using an insight-oriented approach, I've emphasized the importance of the power to choose how to think, feel, and act. I've taught concepts and skills in my sessions to help change thoughts that will determine how one reacts emotionally.

To give you a broad stroke of some ideas I bring up during sessions to help individuals heal from marital infidelity, let me share below a number of points, beliefs, and skills about what it takes to be a survivor. What I discover is that men and women who apply these ideas do survive, just as my clients have. Although infidelity can be very traumatic, there are indeed ways and means to transcend the wounding experience and come out strong. Here's a list of some of these ways and means:

*  You believe in your resourcefulness whatever comes your way.
*  You believe in Someone greater than your self.
*  You develop ability to increase your resilience to withstand painful feelings.
*  You formulate a master plan.
*  You recognize the power of your thoughts for personal and marital recovery.
*  You learn the ability to view events in a time frame.
*  You see the complexity of experiences and human beings.
*  You choose to let go of anger, bitterness, or resentment.
*  You ask for help and support.
*  You find meaning and purpose in your pain.

Noted family therapist and author, Virginia Satir, once wrote in her book "PeopleMaking": 

"I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me and I am ok."

Friday, March 20, 2015

Riches Like Fading Flowers

A few months ago, my eldest 21-year-old daughter Christine received a "rich" gift of a Pajero. She was understandably happy about it. Considering the fact that she's just on her first employment straight from college, a Pajero can be overwhelming.

Although I've doubts about whether it's an appropriate or wise time for her personal development at this point for such kind of possession, I shared her joy. It's simply given to her. To my mind, it tells more about the giver rather than about my daughter.

Then I noticed, after only a few days of elation driving her "rich" pajero, she began to leave it in our house garage area most days of the week when she goes to office. She may have a variety of reasons. Among these in my surmising, I wondered about my daughter's instant "rich" driving experience. Is the newness or pleasure of acquiring a prized possession predictably wearing off that quickly? 

In countless lives since time immemorial, the quest for fulfillment through material riches is common. In this quest, psychological, emotional, and spiritual wounds happen, especially when you get attached or addicted to material things. We know people who exchange their honor or dignity or souls for money. Prostitutes sell their bodies. Politicians corrupt themselves. Addicts steal or kill to acquire their drugs of choice. Men and women commit crimes, infidelity, or self-inflicted harm in the name of mammon.

As in all earthly things, riches are like fading flowers. They never last. They're meant only to be enjoyed temporarily along with us. Experience evidences that they can't really deliver what our hearts are truly longing for. The brilliant Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Inc. and one of the richest men who ever lived, died in his mid-50s. Shortly prior to his death, he addressed young graduates in a prestigious university. Steve said:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important."

Do you know what is truly important in life? We all live with passing moments. We all age. We all die. In Steve Job's case, his fading flower, the brevity of life, influenced the choices he made at the end of his journey.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Growing Old Without Getting So Anxious

On Sunday afternoons, in a Thai restaurant, I normally take time to sit down with and talk to this group of aging men about life. It's interesting that they listen a lot to me even when I'm not yet a "senior citizen!" Growing older fills their minds. Yet they seem to feel uncomfortable talking about it. What is it they may be trying to cover up?

I wonder if it's not the simple truths William Shakepeare once wrote about in "Macbeth:"


"All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances ...
Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

Growing old can be a prison of anxieties. Many worry that despite their successes or wealth, they'll just fade into oblivion and be forgotten. They fear loneliness. Many get afraid about losing their mind, their memory, or capacity to live independently. Many have full of regrets for not having lived as they should.

Our culture conspires to make it more difficult for us to grow older in rewarding ways. There is a whole commercial business devoted to helping us cover up the physical symptoms of growing old. Cosmetics, drugs, surgery, or other commodities tailored to the elderly gives the message as if being young is the only way to exist. Medical technology and advances aggravate the situation with false, unrealistic promises of immortality or "fountain of youth."

We don't have to be wounded as we grow older. We can have a realistic perspective about it. It can present us an opportunity to deepen life's true meaning and purpose. Aging can be a gift, but only if you surrender your self to God's plan for your life. You can find peace in old age rather than rage when you know that Christ has already conquered death (Romans 6:23).

As noted psychologist, Dr. Erik Erikson  put it, "The way you 'take history' is also a way of 'making history'. "

Monday, March 16, 2015

Deep Breathing Is Therapeutic

I learned to breathe. That's a moment decades ago. No, it was not a doctor who examined my lungs' intake of air. It was when I visited a celebrity singer in her meditation house where she taught stress management through deep breathing, among others.

In my breathing exercises with her, she spoke slowly, calmly, and clearly about the healing process of breathing. Being a young man, I was kind of distracted because she's pretty! Still I learned a lot from her, especially about how much I breathed shallowly.

Today, as a therapist and practitioner myself, I realize how conscious, deep breathing has profound therapeutic benefits. It deepens your awareness of a particular moment. It brings you directly in contact with the present. It internally "touches" your heart and other major internal organs, relaxing them. That exercise causes you to expand emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

During stress or moments of trauma, we tend to breathe shallowly so that we scarcely breathe at all. That's deadly!  Learn to practice deep, intentional breathing. Breathe in through your nose. Then, hold the breathe for a few seconds. And then exhale through your mouth. The time it takes to exhale should be about twice what it is to inhale. Some experts suggest a 4:7:8 pattern – 4 to inhale, 7 to hold, and 8 to exhale. Let go of other thoughts while you breathe.

If you learn to make this a habit, it will bring great benefits to your emotions, not just your physical state. Well, you can humor me a bit by trying it! Then you will know for your self.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Walking Is Best Natural Anti-Depressant

I see walking as our best natural anti-depressant. You can take it to cope with the challenge or burden of too much. It's normal. Healthy. It can have a positive impact on your brain hormones involved in mood regulation. It can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. And it can even enhance your self-esteem. It also improves your sleep.

Now you may think I'm merely postulating here. Far from it. Noted studies from Harvard and other research medical and mental health institutions evidence the big benefits from even modest walking steps. Their research shows that, aside from mental health benefits, walking can reduce the risk of physical illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, and heart disease.

My mother is a walking miracle. She walks a lot each day even when I was much younger. She's now 80 and she still walks fast! Whenever I see her, she always exhibits an upbeat mood. Smiling. Enjoying things around her. She convinces me of this: as long as you're breathing, it's never too late to walk very far and get healthy! I inherited my walking from my mother. Many of my creative thoughts and best therapy solutions are conceived by my mother-like walking outside of my counseling cubicle!

Thomas Jefferson once wrote, "Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate your self to walk very far." Speaking of best exercise through walking, experts generally prescribe about 10,000 steps daily for healthy living. Man, that's far! I'm counting, possibly in one hour, I'm able to take 6,000-7,000 steps. So, about one and a half hours of walking each day is what I need to have healthy 10,000 steps. How about you?

Come, let's take a walk ... and talk. It's therapeutic. 

Friday, March 13, 2015

The Family Connection

Mary was an achieving A-student outside the home. But at home, she was very dependent on her mother after her father abandoned the family since her childhood. She felt she could never please her mother while growing up. Mary always longed for her mother's validation. But she certainly always came up short.

During our session, Mary would shed tears a lot. Her husband of almost ten years was about to leave her and their two young children. Probing deep into her self, Mary discovered during our sessions together that she transferred her dependence from her mother and her rage towards her father onto her husband. She would physically and verbally harm him when he would not allow her to dominate and tell him what to do to please her.

Countless research in the psychology field reveals that dysfunctional families produce emotionally disordered children. The most common types of families that produce them are of different varieties. They include families such as where there is chronic psychological, physical, emotional, or sexual abuses/abandonment; families where there is alcoholism, drug addiction, or other types of addiction (e.g. gambling, workaholism). Specifics may differ, but these types of dysfunctional families do have certain characteristics in common that harm children.

In a dysfunctional family, a child is not allowed to develop. The victim child lives by the rules dictating which feelings are okay and which feelings are not. As a result, the child behaves in ways he or she believes will please the parent or adult figure. He or she suppresses his or her individuality. He or she grows up suppressing his or her private self and perfecting his or her public self. Eventually there is no true self, just a reaction to others.

By the time the child reaches adulthood, he or she may develop an "approval addiction." He or she constantly worries about what others think. Their self-esteem comes from pleasing others, looking outward for their self-validation. In their original family, the child "walks on eggshells" so as not to make a mistake or incur disapproval. Untreated, this hyper-senistivity to signs of approval or disapproval from others then continues into adulthood. Just a slightest sign of disapproval from another person is enough to trigger a deep sadness or emotional reactivity.

Sunday, March 08, 2015

How Do You Know You Have An Addict In Your Life?

Do you have an addict in your life, family, or relationships?

Let me tell you how you can know you have one in your life. I call it Three C's of addiction diagnosis. One, "lack of CONTROL over use." Two, "COMPULSIVE use." And three, "CONTINUED use despite knowledge of adverse consequences."

An addict is unable to control use of his drug-of-choice (e.g. chemical, person, activity). There is repetitive use of the drug-of-choice to the exclusion of other essential life activities such as work, self care, or maintaining relationships. Anyone who continues to use an addictive agent that he or she knows to be harmful or life-damaging is an addict.

You may watch out for these signs or symptoms below to know if you have an addict in your life.

*  Physical Signs (general appearance compared to usual appearance)
    Examples:
    -- sudden weight loss
    -- decreased interest in personal hygiene
    -- soiled clothing
    -- sleeplessness
    -- unsteady gait

*  Mental Signs
    Examples:
     -- persistent sadness or depression
     -- mood instability
     -- hallucinations
     -- delusions

*  Behavioral Signs
    Examples:
    -- decreased or poor performance in school or work
    -- Ill-defined problems in relationships
    -- health problems
    -- tired much of the time
    -- irritability

Now, as a loved one, friend, or family member, it's important to be vigilant. Trust your instincts. If something seems to be "not right" or out of order, don't be afraid to seek help and ask everyone who can provide you understanding. Expressed in a loving manner, asking directly "your addict" may start him or her thinking seriously about his or her actions as well as about the need for treatment.

Sunday, March 01, 2015

Cosmetics ... Form Without Substance

As you and I pursue the journey of life, we sense a deep need within the core of our being. We desire happiness. We want fulfillment, satisfaction. We are all involved in a quest - whether we consciously realize it or not. Without this truth validated within ourselves, we find life oppressive and burdensome. Often, meaningless.

Given the nature of what I do as a therapist, I certainly get to sit down face to face with extremely hurting individuals. Mine is only a microcosm of a world filled with significant groups of people who break down psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some I try to help become a danger to themselves or others, they get locked in psychiatric wards or prisons.

A lot of us mask our wounds or flaws cleverly. I'm reminded of Peter. He is a celebrity in the world of business. A certified millionaire. The media, such as television, radio, print etc, love covering him. He functions very well in the world and is definitely respected as successful. Though outwardly appearing attractive and a model to be emulated, he feels isolated from himself and others. In fact, as a result, he has frequent thoughts of leaving this world, strong feelings of ending or forfeiting his life.

From the condition of humanity and the world in general, it is obvious that there is something within our makeup that prevents us from living a healthy life. There always appears an inherent flaw or contamination within our makeup, regardless of station in life, age, social status, cultural origin, religious or political beliefs. Add to this, we live in a society where healthy changes or healings are further prevented by adversely unhealthy conditions and values maintained and perpetuated by deeply entrenched structures. Illness and contamination in this world is "normal."

Sadly, I witness treatments and changes that are epidemically cosmetic in the face of man's greatest need. Even mental health clinicians, doctors, and counsellors have been part and contributor to this world of rapid cosmetic changes of "form without substance." Yes, we have impressive scientific and technological advances that rapidly convenience our lifestyles and social structures. Yet after the dust clears, nothing has changed. Or, changes or treatments of choice make conditions worse. At best, changes gained, if any, are essentially cosmetic.

As a writer Jeremiah put it, "They offer superficial treatments for my people's mortal wound" (6:14). This, then, is the crux of our problem in our dominant modern-day recovery establishment and institutions.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Grief Work Like Moving On Up The Mountain

Let me be honest with you. In this life, you'd have to be an expert on grieving. Why? There would always be varied sorts of losses along the way in the journey.

Now, if you're grieving for some type of loss at the moment, may I ask you to dry your eyes for awhile. Read through my little check list below and answer the questions. Honestly. It's work to complete first before you move on up the mountain.

*  No longer feel like crying most of the time?
*  My appetite is getting better?
*  No thoughts of attempting suicide?
*  No trouble concentrating?
*  No longer feeling mechanical in my daily living habits?
*  Beginning to feel emotionally close now to people?
*  More comfortable now to talk about my grief to others?
*  My body weight has stabilized?
*  My emotions and moods are back in my control?
*  Have stopped feeling depressed most of the time?
*  Now having physical and emotional energy from morning to night?
*  I've now identified what I need to grieve completely (person, relationship, past, abuses etc.)?
*  I've stopped talking continuously about my trauma/crisis?
*  No trouble now going to sleep and sleeping all night?

Grief for any loss needs to be completed before you can move on. Incomplete grief is a rebuilding roadblock. Don't worry, friend, the mountain will still be there and yours to climb when you're ready.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Therapy As My Creative Art

To me, my practice of therapy is a creative art. One life at a time. I use art or music or movement or anything that strikes me during sessions. I've humor. I do things that innovate or are indeed unusual.

Everything comes together with therapeutic insights. Freshness in perspective. Energizing growth, learning, and healing. I share my passion for discovery with a fellow human being during the session.

My creative urge is often ignited by a person's problem or wound. More so, with that person's beginnings to look on himself as fit to change and be an instrument for change. You see, I've countless experiences whereby I shared some particularly novel ideas to a hurting individual or couple that they so appreciated later on. They forget their grocer or their neighbor, but they never forget what they gained during our sessions together!

For this reason, I live as long as those healing insights are able to create a new life. That's how I think my therapy is creative. I trust that aspect of my self. Though I work in solo practice, I never feel lonely or isolated. I'm never alone.  Instead, I find meaning holding space for people's pain to break loose from their rigid, self-defeating patterns. And be set free to think, feel, and act differently. Isn't that a contribution to the survival of our species?

Now you know, my theatre. Why my urge to create. Isn't it true to you what's true to me? Much of our existence is defined by the ways we can leave this world different or a better place after we are gone.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Psychopathology in 50 Shades of Grey

Valentine's Day just passed. Awhile ago, I passed by a movie house where the film, "Fifty Shades of Grey," are being shown in almost all of its cinemas. I caught myself wondering, the seeds of the future addict or mentally ill are again sprouting in the soil of culture and film.

Incidentally, prior to this, I read psychiatrist Dr. Miriam Grossman's letter to young people about that film. She said there's nothing gray about 50 shades of grey -- it's all black, toxic, and unhealthy. I agree. The film's images or imprints are viewed as harmful to youth and women, who are already often confused about love. It can poison the minds of men about sex. This psychiatrist is making a lot of mental health sense!

The characters in the film are Christian Grey and Anastassia Steele. Mr. Grey is a bachelor billionaire. Powerful, sexy, and handsome, he has a helicopter. He has a chaffeur and luxury cars. A company is named after him. The media loves him. He plays the piano. Anastassia, on the other hand, is an A-student college girl majoring in literature, who went to interview Mr. Grey in his office for a college paper. Ignoring the red flags, Anastassia eventually fell for an abusive, violent sexual relationship with Christian, complete with whips and chains.

Christian Grey does not need a woman to heal from his internal demons or wounds. Anastassia Steele does not need to accept abuse, pain, or violence just to prove her love for a man. Both Christian and Anastassia have dark places inside them that are not being attended to. Individually, they need to see a psychotherapist or pastor. They need healing in their deepest places.

Perverted sex, love, or relationship, as depicted in the film, is not concerned with the well being or happiness of another person. It seeks passion, drama, or ecstasy through violence, abuse, and manipulation. It is therefore very selfish. Very pathological - psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. As noted author, Stephen Arterburn, put it, the film can be a "gateway drug" to adultery, sexual perversion, and mental illness in real life.

Although it is tempting to cast all blame on contaminated culture or film like "Fifty Shades of Grey," the fact is, we all have freedom. Our choice of seeing the film and/or acting it out in real life is no accident. We all are responsible for our own decisions and actions. Our core beliefs or thoughts do not begin just because there is one unhealthy film. Our selection tends to emanate from a preexisting source or pattern already embedded inside us. 

If you're reading this post, may these "black and white" thoughts make you more aware and encourage you. I hope, no shades of gray.
 

Friday, February 13, 2015

Are You Addicted To Selfies?

I live in a selfie generation. You too. Like you, I take selfies. Adjust my smartphone camera to self with a simple touch, pose, smile, and post! Facebook, instagram, twitter, and other social media are waiting. Selfies have indeed become a worldwide phenomenon.

This week, I gave a lecture on selfie psychology at a university college of nursing in Manila. I found the students there warm and creative in their organizing ... and with their selfies. Well, those selfies during and after my talk were not necessarily harmful. I found some humorous. Mostly, they're taken for class posterity and project documentation.

Yet in so many places of the world, we may not know exactly what to think. That is, because people who are at-risk or have a "preexisting condition" can get addicted to selfies as a drug-of-choice. British 19-year-old teen, Danny Bowman, for instance, tried to commit suicide after he failed to take his perfect selfie. He became so obsessed with it that he spent 10 hours a day taking up to 200 selfies. He lost 30 pounds, dropped out of school, and eventually rushed to the hospital for treatment and psychotherapy.

The internet is an incredible resource. It's kind of magic! But it's also a venue for madness for some people. Selfies and the social media are places where it can be all too easy to fall prey to obsession or narcissistic activity. It's not uncommon, for countless youth for example, to let reality slip away while staring at a 2-inch screen, savoring on the thrill of selfies and the social media.

Be careful with your taking selfies and your motivation behind it. Psychologists are now discovering that taking selfies can turn into an addiction for people already affected by certain psychological disorders.

What do your selfies feed inside you?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Reese's Wild

A few days ago, while watching the film "Wild," I felt I'm in a therapy session. Reese Witherspoon portrayed the true story of a woman whose adulthood was deeply wounded by childhood trauma. Her wholeness, compromised by a chaotic, child-beating thug for a father, warped her so badly.

She became an addict - a nymphomaniac or sex addict - that led to a divorce from her loving husband. Her mother tried to compensate for her father's abuse and drunken violence. But, to no avail. Only after her mother died did Reese's character realize how broken and wretched she was needing redemption. And the way she tried to save her self was to force her self to trek a dangerous thousand-mile length hike of the Pacific Coast Highway.

In the film, Reese's character met a psychotherapist. Here was a woman with a tragic mix of psychological, sexual, and addictive horrors. She was so warped that she'd deny reality and project blame to circumstances or other people. After a few short exchanges, the therapist unleashed a biggie, clinical diagnostic question, "Who detached from you?" Indeed, her life story in the film serves as a solemn, cautionary message to all fathers and mothers among us who are entrusted to parent children in loving and connecting ways.

As I reflected on the film's theme and progression, I realized that it carries a powerful healing insight or message. Witherspoon's character is not alone. She is not the only one in the world who has a "wounded inner child" who's gone on the arduous journey of recovery. A lot of individuals, men and women, have been with every step of Reese's character in the film. They've experienced a dialogue in it, which includes "I didn't know where I was headed - until I got there."

Talk about closure and real, on-target therapy!

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

The Earlier, The Better

Psychopathology is like cancer. The sooner it's diagnosed or detected, the sooner it can be treated and its damaging growth arrested.

Sadly, however, very few psychologists, psychiatrists, or psychotherapists see the psychological abnormality when it's in the beginning stage. By the time a disturbed person is brought in for help, the emotional/mental/behavior disorder is already well-developed.

In contrast, when a family member or friend knows what signs or symptoms to look for, he or she can be in a unique position to spot problems in the early, treatable stage. The emotional or behavioral disorders can be dealt with sooner and more effectively.

Here are some signs or symptoms of abnormality that could be a signal for spotting problems:

Physical complaints
    -- frequent headaches
    -- digestive upsets
    -- sleeplessness
    -- addictions

Psychological indications
    -- extreme anger and outbursts
    -- frequent compromise
    -- over reliance on defense mechanisms
    -- perceptual difficulties (e.g. hallucinations)
    -- distorted thoughts (e.g. nonsensical content)
    -- faulty emotional expression (e.g. flat affect, depression, elation, intense fear and anxiety)
    -- odd behavior, disorientation
    -- depression, inactivity

Social signs
    -- frequent withdrawal
    -- social isolation
    -- violence, antisocial behavior   

Spiritual indicators
    -- fanaticism
    -- incapacitating doubts
    -- prolonged guilt feelings
    -- lack of hope and faith

Friday, January 30, 2015

Two Roadblocks to Infidelity Treatment

The other week, I was on television over at TV 5's new noontime program, "Solved na Solved," with hosts Atty. Mel Sta. Maria, Gelli De Belen, and Arnel Ignacio. In front of live audiences in the studio, we discussed the topic "Kabit." It's a lively program because it was very interactive, animated, and the hosts were very connecting to the audience.

Infidelity, as the Tagalog word "kabit" indicates, literally means unfaithfulness. It's the breaking of a vow. Adultery is another term used, which can be either legal or religious in implications pointing to "sexual relations with someone other than one's spouse." An extra marital affair is usually reflected in expressions like messing around, fooling around, wandering, and straying.

In a live married couple "case" presented during the TV program, two specific roadblocks were demonstrated that prevent the healing of a "kabit" in the marriage of a couple. One is "denial" on the part of the husband, even in the face of overwhelming objective evidences of cheating. The other is "enabling" behaviors on the part of the wife that encourage and sustain marital cheating. In marriages wounded by adultery, these two common roadblocks must be directly addressed and removed to heal - individually and maritally.

According to a common worldwide statistical trend in countries around the world, infidelity or adultery has wounded over 50% of our marriages today. Because infidelity and divorce rates continue to be high, it's important to know more about it. My hope is that the media like the television, the radio, the internet/social media, and the newspapers/magazines/books, will help in healthy ways to prevent and heal the wounds of adultery, save families and our society as a whole.




Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Doing vs. Being

My hospital life recovery group session had its resumption last week. We touched on the concept of new year's resolution or new goals for 2015. The question is asked, "What do I want to do for the new year?"

Very common to a lot of people: Get fit, lose weight, workout in the gym. Others: * Make a million savings in the bank. * Become a successful businessman. * Travel around the world. * Reach the star as an actress. All sorts of doings. Some admirable, some questionable, some crazy.

I've been presented the same question in varied ways for decades each new year. But I think it's the wrong question. I say so because what I DO is not nearly as important as what I want to BE. You know, the longer the years I have, the more significant that issue is.

Doing is usually tied to tangible things, accomplishment, vocation, or how you make a living. Being is much deeper. It relates to intangible things such as character, who you are, and how you make a life. It may take a lifetime to make this distinction in your brain! Yet it's proven over and over again that of the two, BEING always shows itself needing to outdistance DOING.

Think about it. How it relates to your health and wellness.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Humor As Healing Resource

Humor has survival value. Life's hurts are more endurable when you have a sense of humor.

As a therapist, I could always sense when a hurting counselee is getting well. He or she begins to quit taking himself or herself so seriously. It comes with a sense of humor, laughing about one's self.

Let me suggest how to experience it. Look into the eyes of a child who is quite loved and caressed. Watch the child playing with you. Savor the child's natural joyfulness. And you'll experience the sheer delight of a child's laughter.

Learn humor from the children. Anthropologist Ashley Montagu writes, "It is natural for children to laugh and to see the humor in all sorts of things, whether they be real, imagined or their own creation. They revel in the comic."

As the popular Proverbs says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." (17:22)

Monday, January 19, 2015

Choices

If there is one thing I've learned in my counseling practice, it is that I must not steriotype or generalize people into "labels." Each person is unique. He or she is an individual in his or her own right. To generalize is to steriotype. That dehumanizes, because it denies people of their individuality and free will.

Any one can overcome challenges or pain in life. Yes, every one, provided he or she chooses to. Every human being possesses free will. He or she is endowed with personal power to prevail over life's wounds rather than drown in them. With healthy choices and support, a person can move in new and positive roads.

For example, on the basis of parents who abused or mistreated you during your childhood, does that reality automatically lead to a miserable life for you growing up into adulthood?  Not necessarily, my friend! Why? Because you can choose to refuse to become a victim of your past. You have within your deepest well the innate ability to see promise in the pain: the promise to overcome the pain of your difficult childhood. You have free will to make healthy choices if you truly desire to do so.

Healing is a choice. When you adopt this philosophy to your own unprocessed pains or unfinished business in life, you build yourself up. You reinforce your capacity to become a victor or achiever in life rather than a victim.

Friday, January 16, 2015

A Healer of Wounds

The streets of Manila and beyond are laced with gigantic images, photos, and streamers of him for the state visit. He asks the government to take them down. He says he prefers to have the image of Christ venerated. "Focus on Jesus, not on me," he says.

That's Jorge Mario Bergoglio, a Jesuit-ordained former professor of psychology and literature in the university. Today, he is more popularly known all over the world as Pope Francis, the head of the Vatican.

When once asked the question, "Who is Jorge Mario Bergoglio?," by the editor of an Italian Jesuit journal La Civolta Cattolica, he answered:  "I don't know what might be the most fitting description. I am a sinner. That is the most accurate definition. It is not a figure of speech, a literary genre. I am a sinner ... The best summary, the one that comes from the inside, and I feel most true is this: I am a sinner whom the Lord has looked upon."

Pope Francis is a revolutionary healer and leader.  He reaches deep into the very core of the minds and hearts of people. He preaches against personal and institutional corruption and worldliness. He describes it as "self-centeredness cloaked in an outward religiosity bereft of God." Among the clergy, he denounces the power hungry and the hypocrites in the Vatican Curia. He urges us to live our lives focused on the "things that really matter."

He likens the church to a hospital. He says that the church's foremost mission is to "heal the wounds, heal the wounds." Speaking of ministers of the Gospel, he says "people need pastors, not clergy acting like bureaucrats or government officials ... those who know how to dialogue and to descend themselves into their people's night, into the darkness, but without getting lost."

It's not hard to see why he's called the People's Pope.  He's a simple, humble man on a redemptive mission. People simply love him for being the genuine one.

Monday, January 12, 2015

When Hurt Self Is Masked

As a therapist, I see people at their absolute worst. I do what it takes to enter their pain and hold space for them. I've become privy to their most secret, hidden selves. I've been delegated to pick up the confidential pieces of their disappointment, trauma, or relationship wounds.

A consistent portrait in therapy is the presence of the "hidden self" on client situations and behaviors. These include the following signs that often mask the real, wounded self:

*  Client who refuses responsibility ("you fix me")
*  Client who fears intimacy (avoidant or seductive behavior)
*  Client who ignores boundaries (chronic lateness, missed appointments, nonpayments)
*  Client with hidden agendas
*  Client who is argumentative (hostility, skepticism)
*  Client who is impatient ("fix me quick")
*  Client who is literal and concrete (unable to access or express internal states)
*  Client who feels hopeless (actively suicidal)
*  Client with poor impulse control (offenders, abusers)
*  Client who demonstrates severe anger or hostility
*  Client who prematurely terminates therapy
*  Client who manipulates
*  Client who is sociopathic or criminal in ways
*  Client who is sexually seducing

Therapy is a doorway of healing for the hurt, hidden self. All these masking behaviors above can be stopped when the real self is finally liberated from underneath in the process of recovery.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

The Compulsion To Repeat

As I write this, I'm in a fitness first gym taking drinks in the lounge area. The place is so pleasant with lots of wonderful facilities and staff. Yet when I'm on the treadmill or walking around thinking of seeking assistance, I'd sort of catastrophize: "What if the treadmill I'm on gets derailed?" "What if the staff just looks at me or refuses to help or leaves me alone?"

My overreaction in me was out of proportion to the reality of my external situation. During my childhood onwards to adulthood, I was traumatically abandoned emotionally by my own father and mother who eventually separated and lived different lives. They were not there even physically during my most distressing times growing up. Now my obsessive thoughts in the gym centered on not being supported or given needed attention -- being left alone or behind.

Much of neurological research supports what every psychotherapist from Sigmund Freud until this modern day knows firsthand: the compulsion to repeat. Brain researchers explain that severe overreactive responses stem from enlarged "neuronal imprints" in the brain from previous stressful or traumatic experiences. Such distort how a person experiences aspects of subsequent painful stimuli that other people may not be capable of noticing.

This supports the concept then of "the more difficult childhood was, the more difficult adulthood is."  When contamination in the foundations or core materials are embedded in childhood, it serves as an overly sensitive "filter" shaping one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors towards subsequent life events. It's kind of like a tape recorder whose button is still on and therefore stuck. The brain responds to what's not existing on the outside because a contamination is still existing on the inside.

Psychotherapy rests on the principle that ancient wounds, deprivations, or pains have been numbed out or buried alive, and need to be worked out. Until they are worked out and sufficiently healed, they'll continue to be acted out, acted in, or projected onto others. It's unfinished business that needs expression to heal compulsivity which continues to unconsciously relive old wounds and life-damaging patterns.

Friday, January 02, 2015

Resolutions

Although a New Year's Resolution is always observed to get broken, it's never too late to lead you to finally do something. For your over-all health. Psychological. Physical. Emotional. Social. Spiritual.

Here are some suggestions. Take your choice what to include in your own new year's resolution. Every new year is a gift of 365 opportunities for your life.

*  Forgive an enemy or one who hurt you deeply.
*  Smile. Laugh and make good jokes.
*  Spend less time on Facebook or on-line.
*  Spend more time with your spouse and children.
*  Listen.
*  Lower your expectations or lessen your demands on others.
*  Take up running.
*  Seek help for your severe unprocessed pains or unresolved issues.
*  Express appreciation.
*  Speak kindly to a stranger.
*  Join a small life support group.
*  Eat fruits and vegetables each day.
*  Pray, read the Bible.
*  Give a soft answer even though you're fuming inside.
*  Enter into another's sorrow or wound.
*  Find the time to keep a promise.
*  Make new friends.
*  Apologize if you were wrong.
*  Save money.
*  Give a gift to someone. Anonymously.
*  Pray for your extended family members, neighbors, city, and country.
*  Encourage an older person.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Year-End Thoughts

Time to visit your thoughts. That would be my prescription for you this year-end. It's a most essential thing you can do as the holidays wind up.

Oh yes, your Christmas and New Year's parties and gifts and foods may have been special. The songs ... the smiles ... the smells ... the family fun. Every memory of your holidays weaves its way into the fabric of your mind that you can still feel the warmth.

But the best those warm holiday memories can offer you, in my opinion, is time to reflect. Quietly. Alone. At length. Even stroll a hill pathway or empty green park. Taking time to stop and listen. Maybe, a nice mellow music played at enough volume can submerge all your worries so you can think.

Years passed by. Have you ever been taken by the shoulders and made awake? Are there things in your life where you still need to look into the mirror and face realities as they really are? As Jeremiah, a prophet, once pictured: "Harvest is past, summer is ended. And we are not saved."

Is that a truth about you right now? If not, I suggest that this year-end, you come to terms with this need of being saved. You life, my life, follows a cycle of seasons. Multiple seasons, in various times of the year - summer, winter, spring, autumn ... varieties of peaks and valleys, colors, and changes. Each year, we go through the same life cycle.

How tragic to move through the seasons of each year without realizing your life's ultimate purpose! What can give meaning to the cycle of your life's seasons? What on earth are you here for? Time to reflect. Time to see.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Running Is Good To Your Mental Health

Let me give you one "secret:" Running is good to your mental health.


"Running the marathon gave me an inner strength that changed my life," says Henley Gibble, head of a running club in the U.S. "Whether it's fast or slow. whether you walk some of it or not, just finishing can have a profound effect on your confidence and self-esteem," adds Henley.    


Scientists, doctors, and runners describe specific reasons why running is good to your mental health. 

Here are some of them:

*  Running gives a euphoric feeling, a "runner's high," that benefits runners psychologically and emotionally;

*  Running releases endorphins that act as stimulant to emotional parts of the brain while running, boosting stronger feelings of euphoria;

*  Runners report experiencing being totally relaxed, happy, energetic, and satisfied with themselves;

*  Running releases a chemical called serotonin, which is a natural mood lifter that addresses negative energies associated with depression, lethargy, or stress;

*  Running improves your overall appearance and fitness level, which builds confidence;

*  Running faciltates ability to make new circles of friends and support;

*  Runners who network and increase their social contacts receive greater mental health benefits than those who run independently;

Indeed, while experiencing the runner's high is one of the best ways to feel happy and relaxed, running provides a number of general mental health benefits that can seep into your everyday life.


Run and get well!
 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Real Reason For The Season

It's Christmas again. What's the point?

If you're a homeless, disabled man begging for alms in the streets, would you hope for Christmas to bring you coins and hot meals? If you've come from a broken family with little to get by, could you know the point of Christmas? If you're weary in your loneliness walking in malls, would you catch the point of Christmas by having a lot of cash to shop around?

As always, the true point of Christmas gets obscured by widespread materialism and commercialism all over the world. We have layers of cultural cover-ups, such as parties, foods, gifts, toys, Santa Claus, lighted trees, shopping, and many others that most people lose sight of what Christmas is really all about. This phony Christmas has been around us for so long now. Multitudes of children and adults find it difficult to know what is real and what is make-believe. How sad that we can celebrate Christmas and take Christ the celebrant out of Christmas!

The real reason for the season of Christmas is traceable to the simplicity of the first Christmas over 2,000 years ago. Wise men bowed in worship. Angels filled the dark night. Hope was born in the souls of humans who walked in darkness. Salvation, healing, and forgiveness came to those who are repentant and will have a relationship with Him. "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call Him 'Immanuel' - which means, 'God with us.' " (Matthew 1:23)

Isaiah also wrote, foretold hundreds of years before the event of the actual birth of Christ:  "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace, there will be no end." (Isaiah 9:6-7)

Also, hundred of years apart, the apostle Paul explained:  "But when the time had fully come, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons" (Galatians 4: 4-5).

You may feel depressed, hopeless, or traumatized today, but thank God, the real reason for the season is for you!  Get the true point of Christmas. Get it today. It holds the major key to your new life and total wholeness.


Sunday, December 21, 2014

How To Survive The Holidays

For those experiencing loss, emotional wound, or relationship breakdown, holidays such as Christmas and New Year can be excruciatingly painful times.  Death, divorce, separation, illness, financial lack, betrayal of friends or loved ones are great losses that can make holidays difficult.

Therefore, let me offer here some thoughts and tips on how to survive the holidays:

1.    Prepare emotionally and physically, beforehand;
2.    Remind your self that it's a passing season and it will be over soon;
3.    Don't self-medicate or anesthetize with drugs, alcohol, overeating, partying, sexual acting out to numb the pain;
4.    Manage your expectations and realities;
5.    Force your self to socialize and not isolate or hibernate;
6.    Call, text, or meet your therapist or closest friend when painful feelings get severe;
7.    Keep up your physical exercises or workouts (e.g. gym, running, walking etc.), no excuses!;
8.    Try to eat less and move more!
9.    Eat healthy foods;
10.  Reach other people who may be hurting and serve or converse with them;
11.  Don't allow people to push your buttons;
12.  Pray and read God's Word, get close to and trust God in all circumstances;
13.  Remember the reason for the season;
14.  Have fun!
15.  Practice gratitude and contentment;
16.  Educate your self, read self improvement books etc;
17.  Focus on your unique purpose in life;
18.  Enjoy your hobbies or passions;
19.  Connect in new, healthy ways with your spouse or children, family member/s;
20.  Reflect on and learn from your past mistakes to create a better you.
21.  Always hope, for the best is yet to come.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Holiday Age Regression

During Christmas and New Year holidays, countless people go to family gatherings. Many travel back to their family-of-origin homes. If you were able to remain a serene, emotionally mature adult during those visits or dinners, you just demonstrated "mindfulness training!" You've grown.

For 45-year-old Steve, it was a huge challenge or mess. Heading back to his parents' home and reuniting with his siblings for the holidays, he felt he's in a "black hole" again. After a few minutes under one roof, he started pouting and shouting angry words at his Mom and sisters. He was back into his childhood family role and wound from decades ago, unhealed.

Holiday age regression is a universal experience individuals and families face. The concept of age regression is a sort of poetic metaphor given down from Freud to modern psychology. You may be a wealthy CEO of a company, a well-functioning member of society, and still regress. You can forget all the progress you've made many years between birth and fleeing the nest. For a week or so of the holidays, you can be age 8 again!

Is there anything that can be done? Lightening up can be helpful. Commit to an adult posture. Find out if you're over-personalizing. Be mindful about potential replication of childhood hurts or scenarios; see them as they are and resolve to heal them soon. Stand up straight. Take deep breaths. Fold your arms in perseverance. Use the mental voice that you use in your daily adult life. Pray. Remember the real reason for the season. Plant your feet and you'll have a happy holidays!



Wednesday, December 17, 2014

25 Healing Helpers

How do you take care of your self through a crisis stage? Here are some recommendations for you:

1.   True friends
2.   Asking for help
3.   Relief from indecision and tension
4.   Exercise, get physical
5.   Deep-level counseling/therapy
6.   Books, tapes, workshops
7.   New hobbies and recreations
8.   Exploring family tree origins
9.   Nutrition, healthy foods
10. Prayer/God's Word
11.  Healing support group
12.  Creative Imaging
13.  Complimenting your self
14.  Self disclosure
15.  Not sweating the small stuff
16.  Grow in your passions
17.  Humor/Laughter
18.  Try new possibilities
19.  Volunteer and serve the hurting
20.  Join a church or community
21.  Forgive the unforgivable
22.  Lightness, simplicity, contentment
23.  Bi-focalism (multiple perspectives)
24.  Intuition
25.  Balancing

Monday, December 15, 2014

Healing A 30-Year Psychiatric Patient

Many damaged emotions are deeply buried in layers of memory. At times, hurting people won't respond to traditional therapy, counseling, or hospitalization. In fact, in some cases, the traditional ways can discourage even more and deter people from experiencing the healing they so desperately need.

I'm reminded of a true story of a woman confined in the mental hospital for 30 years. It was told by Ruth Stapleton, sister of former U.S. president Jimmy Carter. One time, this long time psychiatric patient was brought to Ruth. The patient couldn't communicate and was in trance-like state. This was one of the reasons why she was considered a hopeless case.

Ruth brought the patient down by the lake in the sunshine. There they talked in front of the lake amid the grass. The patient drank in the natural therapeutic effects of sun and water. While there, Ruth reached over and held her hand. And she started praying audibly even when the patient was unable to relate to her.

After some time of Ruth's inner healing prayer, the patient suddenly screamed. The woman remembered that, at the age of 12, she was raped by her father. This memory she had never shared to any psychiatrist or therapist. In over 30 years of psychiatric treatment, none of this patient's buried memories and hurts were successfully dug out.

You and I can learn a healing lesson here. Even an inexpressibly tragic, damaged memory can be healed when exposed to prayer and the person of the Greatest Psychotherapist who ever lived.

Friday, December 12, 2014

I Think About My Heart

I think about my heart.

It beats about 100, 000 times each day. It beats to pump blood to every cell of my physical body. This adds up to about 35 million beats a year and 2.5 billion beats if I'm to consider what they say as the average lifetime.

According to medical science, every beat or contraction of my heart is similar to the effort I'll expend to hold a tennis ball in my palm and give it a hard squeeze. That's huge. I have a hard-working heart. Amazing.

My heart, as well as your heart, is only one example of a natural world that is designed to reveal to us something essential. There is power far greater than human. No doctor, no machine, no human genius can create or control the heart and its intricate hard-working muscle beats to nourish our bodies. Yet it's there, given to us, quietly giving life.

When I reflect on the power of the natural creation of my heart, I can't help but see the power of Someone who creates and cares for me and all humankind. Who operates my heart? Who operates yours? Even when there is suffering and I don't know why, I know in my heart that Someone is out there.

As noted writer, Soren Kierkegaard, put it, nature is "a temple not built by human hands," a classroom for higher religious education, a house of God.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Mother's Lies

There was an intriguing film portraying a real-life true story of a mother who lied to her child. This Canadian TV movie enititled "Lies My Mother Told Me" was aired in the U.S. in 2005. The teleplay was nominated for Award for Best Direction in a Dramatic Program mini-series.

Consider Susan. She shunned her Dad for years because of her mother's lies. During her childhood years, her mother had an affair and played "Disneyland Mom" to buy her affections while telling lies about her Dad. To escape detection, the mother poisoned her mind into embracing her adultery and immoral lifestyle. It took time for Susan to find out who was telling the truth. But now, she has a healthy, close, and godly relationship with her Dad. Eventually, the truth won over her mother's lies and deception.

Because of problems of human nature, mothers (as well as fathers, of course) do hurt children with their hard, dark side. They can lie about themselves and what reality is. So, in the process of indulgence, the children get distracted from their emotional issues because it's easier to play than to process problems. They've become victims of psychological abuse who often grow up to be character-disordered as a result of mother's or father's lies.

Noted clinical psychologist and bestselling author, Dr. Richard Warshak, coined a popular two-word phrase that includes parental lies as part of child abuse. He refers to it as "divorce poison." According to Dr. Warshak, parental "divorce poison" or separation damages children in a variety of deceptive ways: outright lies, bad-mouthing, bashing, brainwashing, false allegations of abuse, retaliation, corrupting reality, circumstantial manipulation, among others.

Suffer the innocent, vulnerable children. Who can protect them?
 

Monday, December 08, 2014

I Don't Agree With Freud But He's Integrationist

I don't completely agree with Dr. Sigmund Freud, the so-called founder of psychoanalysis. I find him to be woefully and narrowly human. For me, he is essentially limited in his understanding of human nature.

Despite that, I like Dr. Freud being an "integrationist" in search of the reality of the human mind and condition. For example, he was known to be inspired by the fiction of Dostoyevsky, Sophocles, and Shakespeare;  the sculpture of Michelangelo and Leonardo;  the philosophy of Mill and Nietzsche.

It was not his medical training that formed the cornerstone of his psychotherapeutic approach. You know what it was?  It was much of his readings of King Lear, Hamlet, Oedipus Rex, and the Brothers Karamazov. Indeed, that's how first and foremost "integrationistic" Dr. Freud was. He was able to draw on the wisdom of poets, artists, philosophers, playwrights, neurologists. and his patients' real life experiences in coming up with a unified vision of what humanity is.

In the tradition of Freud as well as other therapists, I view my self as an "integrationist" too for the healing of the "whole person" with influences from diverse disciplines as well as my own real life experiences. Without integration and seeing the whole of life in healing our minds and souls, our knowledge of anguish and conflict would be hollow, our self-revelations one-dimensional.

Yet Dr. Freud, despite his "integrationist" effort, still misses the mark. His psychoanalysis is terribly inadequate. It fails to address the most essential part of the whole person.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

The Tree and The Boy

Tonight, I'm reflecting on the story of a tree and a boy. It's based on a short film entitled "The Giving Tree," a simple thought-provoking piece about a Tree who loved a Boy.

The Tree and the Boy played hide and seek in his boyhood. The Boy would swing from her branches, playfully climbed all over her, ate her apples, slept under her shade. The Tree loved those carefree, happy years with the Boy during his childhood.

Then, as the Boy grew up, he spent less time with the Tree. At one time, the Boy, now a young man, passed by and the Tree invited him to play. But the lad was only interested in money. "Take my apples and sell them," offered the Tree. He did ... and the Tree was happy.

The Boy didn't return for seasons. It was a long time and the Tree was missing him. When the Boy passed by one day, the Tree smilingly invited him again, "Come on, let's play!" But the Boy - now fully grown - was obsessed building a house for himself. "Cut off my branches and build your house," the Tree offered. The Boy did ... and the Tree was happy.

Many years dragged by. The Tree missed the Boy a lot. It seemed he had forgotten the Tree. Suddenly, the Tree saw him in a distance and cheerfully shouted, "Hey, friend, come on and let's play!" But the Boy, now older, wanted to get away and take a vacation. "Cut me down and make yourself a boat to sail away," said the Tree. He did that ... and the Tree was happy.

Many seasons again passed -- summers, winters, springs, harvests, windy days and lonely nights -- and the Tree waited for the Boy. Finally, the Boy, an old, old man returned. He is now too old, too tired to play, to work, to build houses, to pursue money, or to travel the seas. "I have a pretty good trunk left, my Boy. Why don't you just sit down here and rest?" The Boy did ... and the Tree was happy.

As I sipped my drink, I sat still. I took time to reflect the years that passed ... as I grew older with the Tree and the Boy. I can relate to both -- and it hurts.

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Visiting Vincent

Consider what happened to Vincent Van Gogh.

Somewhere in the 1890s, this extremely artistic nonconformist painter shared his interior canvass, "The sadness will last forever." Later, at age 37, he was believed to have shot himself in the chest with a revolver. He died in the evening 29 hours after he supposedly shot himself.

Few know of Vincent's spirituality despite his psychological state. Around age 30, he had a Christian conversion and was known to read the Bible and sing worship songs. He found inspiration in John Bunyan's "Pilgrim's Progress" and Thomas a Kempis' "The Imitation of Christ."

What happened to Vincent? you may ask. You read his biography and you discover that he has had life deforming disappointments of all sorts. He was alone. He was a victim, got wounded, and in need of special care. Yet he got injured, rejected, and betrayed by a lack of response in the church. Instead of being taken cared of, he was shot by the very people who were supposed to be instruments for his healing.

It's a pattern I have often seen. Like others, Vincent sought to be whole and serve God and then got hurt. Right after, he stopped trying. He stopped growing and focusing his spiritual and psychological lens. Vincent's story also confirms that life is meant to be lived and healed in a community taking the high road of support, encouragement, and unconditional love.

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Every Human Is Beauty and Beast

This is so important to understand. There is no sense going further when you're not able to grasp this reality about being human.

Look up the people around you. Your spouse in your living room. The kids across the park. The couple or a man or a woman walking in the mall where you're having coffee.

These people are possibly wonderful human beings. Perhaps, they have talents and gifts that would make angels weep. They may have potential to accomplish greatness or help the world a better place.

Yet as certainly as these are true, it's also a reality that these very human beings also have the ability for the most evil deeds imaginable. The level of depravity or nastiness in each of us is simply there. It is part of what it means to be human.

Learning this, you can realize then that every human is both Beauty and Beast, both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, both image of good and image of evil. There can be a loving mother who is addicted to sex or affairs with men. There can be this successful celebrity actor or actress addicted to drugs. There can be this award-winning writer who is a murderer and a respected teacher who sleeps with his students.

This is, I'm sorry to tell you, unending catalog of darkness about the nature of humanity. This is what you and I forget when good things are flowing and all is well. We idealize or remake people into what we need them to be. We are not wise in our relating. And so when evil comes, we are shocked and then destroyed and then broken down and even unable to get back up.

To live in any sort of real connection to our selves, to others, and to the world is simply seeing what our humanity truly is. The idea is that if we learn this well, we can heal and live more effectively.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Infidelity Epidemic Among Women

Yesterday, I was at Starbucks having coffee talks with a friend I haven't seen for some time now. He shared about healing from his own infidelity. At some point, he also shared the "infidelity wound" of his brother who was cheated by his wife who had kids from two other men. My friend remarked that, culturally, men appear to cheat more than women.

The reality is, nowadays, infidelity is becoming a growing epidemic among women. According to a 2014 published research report of the Associated Press with the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 54% of women admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had. Another statistic result of the study reveals that 68% of women would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught.

The results of this psychological research has a transparent message. Infidelity, a form of mental illness and sexual addiction based on the DSM psychiatric manual, is now experienced almost equally by both men and women in our society. Countless adults who go through emotional or character breakdowns come from families whose parents were separated or divorced due to infidelity. Families and children are definitely at risk if the psychopathology or infection of this illness goes unhealed.

Mainstream media or show business is also a contributor to the problem of women infidelity. Women infidelity is not only expected to continue to be common. But it will also continue to be on the rise as long as women lack the necessary values to build their character, are treated as "objects" or poisoned by an addictive society or company. This is not an exaggeration ─ it’s a fact of our present-day life and culture.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Choose Joy

It's impossible to be perpetually happy in this life.

When I'm watching a nice movie, I feel happy. But when I head out to the house and discover a mess in the kitchen, my happiness may quickly dissolve.

Happiness is based on circumstances. And because circumstances or externals continually change, you don't permanently experience happiness.

Joy is different. It's psyche-deep, soul-deep. Joy comes from an unconditional, abiding sense of inner peace and contentment. In our society and culture, we sort of get too addicted in pursuing happiness. But in truth what we are actually seeking is joy.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with being happy and having good circumstances. But remember, circumstances change. And because they do, happiness is temporary. It fails to truly satisfy.

Perhaps, you're going through very difficult circumstances. Loss of a job. Physical illness. Unfaithful spouse. Family breakdown. Bankruptcy. Abusive parents. Prodigal children. Business shutdown. Whatever it is, there is hope because circumstances change. Times change. As you do what it takes to improve your situation, you can experience pockets of happiness.

In the meantime, while going through trials, you can choose joy. You can have joy in the midst of hard times. Know the secrets of having true, abiding joy whatever your circumstances.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Is My Child Disturbed?

A Chinese mother once saw me with her child. Sobbing, she asked for help because her son had become self-destructive and disrespectful. Marked by impulsive behaviors, the son would shout at her and shut down on several occasions during our session. Here I was with a hurt mother and a child at high risk for developing emotional problems as an adult.

How do I know if my child is character-disturbed and in need of help? There are, of course, telling symptoms recognizable right away, like the one above. But in other children, it will take time to decipher. The earlier the "signs" are noticed and addressed, the better will be the prospects for healing and wholeness for your children.

Let me offer some of those "signs" here in spotting a wounded, character-disturbed, or attachment-injured child in need of help and support. The more of these symptoms a child has, the more severe is the condition:

*  Self-destructive behavior
*  Stealing
*  Hoarding and gorging on food
*  Cruelty to others
*  Lack of long-term friends
*  Marked impulse control problems
*  Phoniness
*  Speech difficulties or pathology
*  Abnormalities in eye contact
*  Lack of ability to give and receive affection
*  Obsession with blood, fire. gore, or things of darkness
*  Learning disorders
*  Lying and deceiving
*  Superficial attractiveness
*  Extreme friendliness with strangers
*  Isolation and withdrawal
*  Disrespect and rage against parents
*  School crime, bullying, or misbehavior
*  Severe depression, crying spells

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Late-Life Depression

A hospital patient, Mando, said, "After I had my heart attack, nobody noticed that I was also depressed. Everything was centered on my heart and how my valves and arteries are functioning. When I didn't want to eat or see anyone, they just blamed it on my cardiac problems. It took my son making an appointment with a therapist before anyone took notice."

Each week, I do therapy and counseling sessions in a veterans hospital with a lot of elderly patients walking around. So many of these senior patients are on medication, suffering from physical ailments. My doctor friend and chief of the surgery, Dr. Nap, once told me that it can be a challenge to recognize that diagnosis is not always simple. This is true, especially among soldier-veteran elderly patients who are generally reluctant to admit or face emotional distress.

In late-stage life, there is usually a high rate of chronic illnesses and medications. Some illnesses, like cardiac or lung problems, produce symptoms that are the same to those going through psychological anxiety or panic attacks -- erratic heartbeat, shortness of breath, and difficulty breathing. An elderly patient's condition can also be complicated by the onset of Alzheimer or dementia, since anxiety or fears appear to be part of these medical disorders.

Therefore, for late-life or senior patients, there is always a need to separate the medical and psychological/emotional/spiritual causes of depressive disorder/anxiety/fear symptoms. Sometimes, we can be surprised by our blind spots and misperceptions that we don't pay close attention to what elderly patients are really telling us.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Truth and Emotional Pain

Truth is essential in therapy. It should be your badge. In your battle through to a liberated heart, truth is the chant you should announce aloud.

But the truth is, when it comes to emotional pain - pain that so hurts inside - it's healing truths that can set people off. Truth can be painful to see. It would be nice if truth is just truth and there's no pain in it and that's the end of it.

Yet, I can't recommend "truth therapy" enough for recovery from emotional pains. It's our best key. The greatest damage is often the unprocessed issues that continue to resonate even when the feelings of pain subside. It's the truth that tells us about our self, our relationships, and about the purpose of our lives.

The emotional pain inflicted on us is not just from the wound itself. But also, the "meaning" of the wound. You see, every bit of thorn that hits the mark in our hearts has a "message" attached. And it is the "message" that lives longer than the pain itself. It is often this "message" that often does the more lasting damage.

Thankfully, we can heal. We push the rocks to the surface as we strive to reclaim our wholeness with the "truth and nothing but the truth." It's the truth that can help us go through the pain, so we can get to the other side.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Fishing In The Desert

What have you been looking for comfort or relief?

After being abandoned by her husband, Margaret instantly went to the bar to find rebound relationships with men. She fell into alcohol, drugs, sex, and out-of-control anger for countless nights.

She said that these make her feel good, though only for a moment. In desperate attempts to ease her pain, she shared that she found herself doing things that part of her finds repulsive.

I agree with therapist Dr. Talley who wrote, "Finding true love in a bar is like finding fish in the desert." Can you catch fish in the desert? Of course, you can't. Yet, lots of people go to the wrong places for feelings of comfort, assurance, or acceptance.

It's not uncommon for people to "self-medicate" their internal distresses through alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food, an affair, shopping, rage, pornography, or anything/anyone. Then, only to find out later that these indulgences only make things worse in their lives and health.

It's never too late to make a shift. Change ways. Start by seeking help. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

What do you mean "Oswald Complex?"

I know this to be such a common experience among us. We all know that we can tell a great deal about who our true friends are when hit by hard times. I hope that during seasons of suffering and pain, friends stand with us and encourage us and protect us to see the promise of a better day.

I hope so. But I know, nevertheless, what crisis can do even to the best or closest of friends. Psychologists used an interesting term calling it the "Oswald Complex." A few days after U.S. president John F. Kennedy was assassinated, lead suspect Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested and being taken to the police station.

Handcuffed to two detectives tasked to protect him, Oswald was suddenly approached and shot by a man identified as Jack Ruby. As psychologists and investigators watched the film of the crime scene, they noticed that when Ruby approached Oswald with a gun, the two detectives actually pulled away rather than defended Oswald from the attack. And thus, the term "Oswald Complex." It became a description for people's act to pull away from those they've committed to protect, shield, or defend when danger comes.  

I surmise you may have experienced the "Oswald Complex" yourself. In fact, if you've gone through a humiliating season of crisis, such as financial bankruptcy or marital betrayal, it almost is sure you have. Suddenly who you consider friends disappear. They're confused about what to to do. Some believe in the lies or just withdraw from your company.  Perhaps, even relatives or family members may be stepping away from you or siding with those who mean to harm you.

What you need to do, when dust settles, is take a careful look at the kind of people you choose as friends. It can spell a difference in your future relationships, so you do not cycle through the same betrayals again.