Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Couple in Counseling

I told Mila and Bert what sounds obvious. For them to remember that “nobody changes overnight.” That there’s no magic.

Bert repeatedly fell back on old patterns of flirting with women. When they saw me, Mila caught her husband having a sexual affair with an office mate.

Naturally, she’s devastated. She’s asking, during counseling session, whether there’s a quick fix or pill to get relief from the pain.

Of course, both Mila and Bert eventually realized that such expectation is not life. Simply, it’s not reality.

But Bert had taken a big step this time. Whereas before he’d dodge and resist therapy, now he looked serious moving towards the very human, and at times so slow, process of learning to change.


Usually, in couples counseling, both need tons of patience. To avoid beating up on each other or themselves if one or both of them are not doing everything perfectly.

It’s a process, not a one-time event.

Reality is, both has contributions and patterns that need replacing to make it work. There’s no such thing as 100% one side to blame because it’s a relationship.

I’ve found that couples who heal best and faster are ones who progressively improve in communication.

It looks like these:

* loving, kind, and respectful
* avoids judgment
* immediate, honest, supportive

When couples start with this, they’d put into practice one of the most profound ways for moving away from “punishing,” especially in times of severe crisis ... and into some real dialogue.